Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Waiting for my D Day while dealing with my monsters

I am waiting for Thursday!!! Have I ever waited for any day with this much anxiety? May be yes, during the exam seasons in my childhood.. Oh yeah this is not different from any exams only difference being …this exam decides the quality of life Im going to have for the rest of my life. My doctor will try to find out whether my AI Disorder has attacked my third gland…Bingo!!!

 Last 10 days I felt like a guinea pig, undergoing tests after tests, umpteen number of needle pricks all over my hands, going in and out of scanning machines, perching on sofa trying to divert myself with rosary beads, trying to do guided online meditations, watching every stupid program on TV while not really watching it, somehow I’m trying to pick myself up for the D day.

 Autoimmune disorder!!!! Hashimotos!!! Addissons!!!! These were one of the many words which I had never dreamt would be a part of my lingo until a few months before. Now my major research is all about these, I’m trying to educate myself, equip myself to deal with my monsters , and desperately trying to gather my life again. Honestly, when I had to face the harsh fact, I was totally helpless and clueless as to what is happening to me, I could see my life just draining away from my cupped hands.

 As long as I can remember I have always had good health except for frequent and acute migrane ( well I thought it was just migrane all these years) I could easily carry my heavy groceries and walk, I could walk miles and miles , actually I enjoyed walking around, I could work incessantly catering to endless list of guests who used to drop in, I loved travelling ,I loved my daily workouts , yoga, I loved swimming, riding, physical activity was not alien to me.

 Slowly I could feel my energy decreasing, I just laughed it off with friends as just “feeling lazy” or just in my head and continued pushing myself. I was never feeling fresh even after a good nights sleep, started struggling to wake up in the mornings to send the kids to school. Still I kept pushing myself until one day I just collapsed and I realized no more pushing is going to kick start me and there’s something really wrong. And my fight for survival started there.

 I know I have to nurture my broken mind back to strength if I have to deal with it, and I know no one else is going to do that for me. This is my fight, this is my test and I have to come out with flying colours, come what may, not for anyone else, but for my own self. I try to stay away from people, as I don’t want to sound like a melodrama queen with never ending story of suffering, pain and being ill all the time. I mean, it is difficult for anyone to understand that these types of illnesses do exist in this world and there are people who deal with it daily though they appear normal from outside.. I can’t explain it anymore. Further, I don’t want to dump my garbage on others, let them be free and happy.

 Still I don’t understand why God has chosen me for this, what have I done to deserve a life like this??? I got my answer in the Gospel of John Chapter 9: Verses 1-3 which goes like this.
= As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been born blind. His disciples asked him, “teacher, whose sin caused him to be born blind? Was it his own or his parent’s sin?”
Jesus answered “His blindness has nothing to do with his sins or his parent’s sins. He is blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him” =
Yes I do believe...
But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak.” (Isaiah 40:31)