Trying always to be a Phoenix, trying always to rise back up from the ashes. Life goes on smoothly for a while and then again the monster stretches its claws again from nowhere. 

Pain can be ignored for a while.. write it off as muscle soreness for a while,it lingers and tightens its grip slowly. Bones hurt, joints hurt, knuckles hurt, can’t remember how it feels not to be hurt anymore.

10 years before when my boys were still small, I had the habit of scribbling down my musings in crude form and without thinking much about anything I just used to post them in blogspot.

Today I opened them and read each post and couldn’t stop laughing at the crude form of my writing..not that I’m much better now or something...however again I’m getting the feeling to pen down my musings about anything and everything that crosses my mind.

As of now, I’m not sure whether I will be able to write something of worth or whether I will be able to continue doing this.

Let’s see..

So much have changed during these 10years ..life has put me in roller coaster rides ...faced many challenges and I believe I have evolved as a better version of myself...

The best thing is I am still here after all these years trying to start agin 

 

Yesterday, I had a by chance conversation with a friend, where the topic of fear of losing loved ones came up by chance. Though I didn’t realise it that time, it triggered an avalanche of thoughts in my mind as I kept going around doing my daily routine.

Fear is a game changer and it has the power to change the way you react, the way you live and everything you do until you overcome it one day. That process of overcoming fear or rather the journey to claim back your power over your controller , fear , could be different for different people.

My journey was painful too, from being worried and attached and fearful and stressed out to being full of love but detached and reaching sort of zen state took me years.The nature of our job and conditions made movement an inevitable part of our lives.

For me if I reflect even further back, I was never in same stable environment ever in my life like most of the normal people.I was let alone from the age of 6months under the care of or rather mercy of many people and conditions. Though I was lone during most of my childhood, I found out ways to amuse and entertain myself and sort of learned the art of detachment in those formative years only.

I was blessed enough to roam around in a farm, climbing trees in search of edible fruits, or just imitating the Areca nut plant climbers  and trying to climb the tall trees with a feet support, or fishing using a tattered bamboo basket in the water canals of the farm,or just diving and swimming in the creek till I get exhausted.I was not afraid of falling down or getting hurt or being bitten by the snakes slithering around or anything for that matter as I had big fears to escape from and I needed these vagabond part to keep me from it.

I had realised well back then that, human beings are the worst animals walking on earth and they find it quite amusing to hunt down unarmed and unprotected weaklings, just because they have the power to do so and the victims are too innocent and naive and have no armour around them.thanks to those years , I really never trust anyone completely, though I pretend I do , but  I always watch out for myself and my loved ones.

In my later life these fears had moulded me unknowingly into a very watchful strict terrible and paranoid mother without me even realising that.Luckily I managed to realise and correct myself with time and learned to trust and let go though not completely.

I was so attached to each house we lived to such an extent that when its time to move out, I would go around from room to room reflecting and crying my heart out and change was always difficult for me.It took really long time to get over the old places and people and heal my mind .Slowly I realised the toll its is taking on my mental and physical health. All these additional stress built up over many years from childhood was not really doing anything good to me. Rather it had started attacking me from within in the form of autoimmune disorders.

Then one day I realised that I am the only person who can protect and save myself and I started trying new coping mechanisms, mine were always music ,yoga ,walking ,books,drawing etc and luckily  I never opted for anything destructive or abusive .. I always thank almighty for that.Otherwise given all what I’ve been through, I would have been a best fit candidate  for some drugs , alcohol or would have ended up in some mental asylum. 

I started practising detachment.Nothing matters for me now as I have realised that life goes on and the people and conditions around you keep changing ever. If we train our mind to sit still like someone sitting by a flowing river just observing the water flowing down. The water carries with it so many things, flowers floating, piece of logs, anything. One moment they are there and the next moment they are gone. But you are still sitting there just observing.You see everything but you are not moving with them.You manage the art of detachment.

you reach a certain point when you realise and accept that change is inevitable. If you struggle to cling on to something, its only going to hurt you and wont do you any good. Life is just like a journey in bus or train. People come in for a short while, they get up and walk out when their destination is reached.You can’t stop them. It’s meant to be that way. You meet people, get to know them, help them when required selflessly and let go when its time.

Never keep they owe me this because I did this attitude. Nobody owes you anything. You helped someone ??? Great that gave you happiness no need to keep a logbook and keep checking when are they going to pay you back. Just do what feels right for you, your karma at that moment and move on. Life becomes so simple and pain free that way.

Waiting for my D Day while dealing with my monsters

I am waiting for Thursday!!! Have I ever waited for any day with this much anxiety? May be yes, during the exam seasons in my childhood.. Oh yeah this is not different from any exams only difference being …this exam decides the quality of life Im going to have for the rest of my life. My doctor will try to find out whether my AI Disorder has attacked my third gland…Bingo!!!


 Last 10 days I felt like a guinea pig, undergoing tests after tests, umpteen number of needle pricks all over my hands, going in and out of scanning machines, perching on sofa trying to divert myself with rosary beads, trying to do guided online meditations, watching every stupid program on TV while not really watching it, somehow I’m trying to pick myself up for the D day.

 Autoimmune disorder!!!! Hashimotos!!! Addissons!!!! These were one of the many words which I had never dreamt would be a part of my lingo until a few months before. Now my major research is all about these, I’m trying to educate myself, equip myself to deal with my monsters , and desperately trying to gather my life again. Honestly, when I had to face the harsh fact, I was totally helpless and clueless as to what is happening to me, I could see my life just draining away from my cupped hands.

 As long as I can remember I have always had good health except for frequent and acute migrane ( well I thought it was just migrane all these years) I could easily carry my heavy groceries and walk, I could walk miles and miles , actually I enjoyed walking around, I could work incessantly catering to endless list of guests who used to drop in, I loved travelling ,I loved my daily workouts , yoga, I loved swimming, riding, physical activity was not alien to me.

 Slowly I could feel my energy decreasing, I just laughed it off with friends as just “feeling lazy” or just in my head and continued pushing myself. I was never feeling fresh even after a good nights sleep, started struggling to wake up in the mornings to send the kids to school. Still I kept pushing myself until one day I just collapsed and I realized no more pushing is going to kick start me and there’s something really wrong. And my fight for survival started there.

 I know I have to nurture my broken mind back to strength if I have to deal with it, and I know no one else is going to do that for me. This is my fight, this is my test and I have to come out with flying colours, come what may, not for anyone else, but for my own self. I try to stay away from people, as I don’t want to sound like a melodrama queen with never ending story of suffering, pain and being ill all the time. I mean, it is difficult for anyone to understand that these types of illnesses do exist in this world and there are people who deal with it daily though they appear normal from outside.. I can’t explain it anymore. Further, I don’t want to dump my garbage on others, let them be free and happy.

 Still I don’t understand why God has chosen me for this, what have I done to deserve a life like this??? I got my answer in the Gospel of John Chapter 9: Verses 1-3 which goes like this.

= As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been born blind. His disciples asked him, “teacher, whose sin caused him to be born blind? Was it his own or his parent’s sin?”

Jesus answered “His blindness has nothing to do with his sins or his parent’s sins. He is blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him” =

Yes I do believe...

“But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak.” (Isaiah 40:31)

Friends do make a difference

I haven’t penned down my musings for quite a long time. But today I have to. Today is my birthday.. Im 41. Throughout these 41 years, most of my birthdays were quite eventless and I don’t even remember many except for a few.. And my 41st birthday will always be close to my heart….and I have to jot down the events which made it special. The night before my birthday, I was relaxing after the boys went to bed, watching TV and suddenly …knock knock…???? Clueless and bit tensed I pressed the mute button and listened.. again knock knock… O my God who is this at this ungodly hour?? Slowly removed my chappal, tiptoed towards the door and there they were, beaming and giggling bunch of my friends shouting out happy birthday….and look!!! They got a cake in their hands… I was in a state of shock and awe.. my heart was overflowing with tides of emotions as they settled on the sofa and started chitchatting waiting for the magical strike of 12…I was lost in thoughts.. Years rolled back and Im in hostel….hush hush talks are going on among a group of bubbly teenagers planning a surprise birthday party , hand made cards are placed carefully alongwith balloons on the door of the birthday girl…What a joy was it to see the happiness on her face …Maggi noodles cooked in a milk tin cautiously held over an array of candles was the special dish. Each and every girl in the hostel would be cherishing this tiny bit of memory even after all these years. These lovely bunch of ladies are not less than a bunch of teenagers.. their hearty laughter drew me back to the present. I had been going through a roller coaster ride during past several months .. every single day was a struggle for me, getting out of bed was a tedious task. Though my body was growing weaker and weaker my soul refused to yield and decided to inch my way back fighting fiercely and these lovely bunch of girls did everything possible to support me in my fight. Sometimes a simple joke, a late night message, “how are you doing” message sometimes a pleasant visit….they did all these even though they were all busy in their own world. Watching them practicing their dance moves was a treat for my eyes and balm for my aching body..and those simple gestures mattered a lot for me. Throughout my life, I never had the habit of mingling too much with people. I always loved to remain in my cocoon, except for a few friends who were allowed to break in to that cocoon..and I made my cocoon harder whenever I was struggling but surprisingly,now I got friends who made it impossible to keep that cocoon any longer….I have transformed into a butterfly which no longer needs that cocoon. Friends truly are a blessing.. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up” (Ecclesiastes Ch.4, Verses 9-10)

Thought for the day ( Not my own.... But I like it so would like to share)

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words, for they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny.

If you do something that turns out wrong, you can almost always put it right, get over it, learn from it, or at least deny it.

But once you’ve missed out on something, its gone.

There will be the neighbour you never got to say the right words to, the band you never got to see live, the winning streak you never got to cheer, the brilliant retiring professor whose class you never took, the relative you never got close to. It’s a long list no matter what.
Try to keep it as short as possible

A life with (out) plans

Planning is an inevitable part of day to day life. Financial plans, budgets, analysis, project plans, the corporate systems cannot survive without plans, so are the professionals and even common men. But I don’t make plans, yeah surely I do plan as to what breakfast I will make tomorrow, what time I should get up and such minor things. Long term plans is a big no no. I am not sure whether it is a character trait to be proud of or ashamed of. But I am like that.

The reason I don’t believe in making plans is that I believe in the almighty planner, who sends his plans to me all of a sudden as surprise packages, at some point where I think my plans are quite clear ahead. Though very reluctant to pluck myself out when fitted into a pattern, I have never ignored that inner voice which coax me to deviate from the original plan. I do believe that what a person is , and where that person is in a particular moment is because the almighty has fool proof plans for that person. So many times when I was forced to make a decision, my future was totally blank in front of me, but as I force myself to fit into his plan, the paths start becoming visible to me slowly, may be as silhouettes in the beginning.

Take my wedding. I NEVR WANTED TO GET MARRIED. I HATED TO GET MARRIED. I was scared at the very thought of getting married. I have seen many of my dear and near suffering out of miserable wedlocks. I never ever wanted to enter one. But Finally I had to make up my mind to tie the knot. I just had 5 mts meeting with the man I was to get married, I knew only his first name, and I had only a week between engagement and wedding day. Every single day during that short period, I went to church in the morning, opened my heart before the lord, poured my fears in front of him. I told him “ I have a blank frame. Please help me to fit this man and his family beautifully into it. Please help me to accept what is there in store for me. Please help me to give my cent percent to decorate that frame and to keep it free of all blemishes.

On the morning of my wedding I was stiff, my body and mind were numb, I couldn’t feel a thing. I had no feelings , my body was just there. In the church, I couldn’t move my lips to say the prayer. But my soul was shouting out each prayer. Then finally it was time to tie the knot, and I felt as if trapped in an iceberg, all frozen. I couldn’t see the plans he had for me. I couldn’t understand, how he was preparing for me through all those years, the most precious gift in my life, my husband. I was unaware how this relation was going to reconstruct my outlook and perspective.

Again, when it was time to give up the job and position, earned through years of dedicated hard work and sacrifice, I was not at all willing to do so. I couldn’t close my eyes to those years of sufferings, extra working hours, the new department and pattern which I developed from scratch. I couldn’t think about giving my quiet corner seat for someone else, allowing strange hands to handle all those reports and files which were part of me, I couldn’t figure out how I will live away from the world of numbers and reports. But one fine moment, I knew I could no longer close my ears to that strong voice from within, I typed my resignation holding my breath and walked in to the cabin of my superior. At first, he thought, it was the usual trick of the employees to get a hike, and offered my more fortune. But when I made myself clear his reaction was “ You are not that type of lady who will sit quietly at home, I cannot believe this.”

I couldn’t believe it myself. Later I knew, that it was the perfect decision I made for my children. The only thing they needed from me was my time and presence which I couldn’t spare much before. Now I am here with my 24x7 just for them and I enjoy it. I know after a few years, there would be a time when my presence won’t be required anymore, and I will become a silly mom. But I know one more thing, there is one more plan, being prepared for me which will pop out when it is time.

Now I sit here rediscovering myself, reflecting , analyzing , learning and correcting and waiting to give my cent per cent for his next plan.

All that the lord has done is very good;
All that he commands is sooner or later done.
No one should ask why things are as they are;
These questions will be answered at the right time.
( Sirach 39: 16-17)


Everything made by the lord is good;
He meets every need at the proper time.
No one can claim that some things are worse than others;
For everything is good in its proper place.
( Sirach 39: 33-34)