Trying always to be a Phoenix, trying always to rise back up from the ashes. Life goes on smoothly for a while and then again the monster stretches its claws again from nowhere. 

Pain can be ignored for a while.. write it off as muscle soreness for a while,it lingers and tightens its grip slowly. Bones hurt, joints hurt, knuckles hurt, can’t remember how it feels not to be hurt anymore.

10 years before when my boys were still small, I had the habit of scribbling down my musings in crude form and without thinking much about anything I just used to post them in blogspot.

Today I opened them and read each post and couldn’t stop laughing at the crude form of my writing..not that I’m much better now or something...however again I’m getting the feeling to pen down my musings about anything and everything that crosses my mind.

As of now, I’m not sure whether I will be able to write something of worth or whether I will be able to continue doing this.

Let’s see..

So much have changed during these 10years ..life has put me in roller coaster rides ...faced many challenges and I believe I have evolved as a better version of myself...

The best thing is I am still here after all these years trying to start agin 

 

Yesterday, I had a by chance conversation with a friend, where the topic of fear of losing loved ones came up by chance. Though I didn’t realise it that time, it triggered an avalanche of thoughts in my mind as I kept going around doing my daily routine.

Fear is a game changer and it has the power to change the way you react, the way you live and everything you do until you overcome it one day. That process of overcoming fear or rather the journey to claim back your power over your controller , fear , could be different for different people.

My journey was painful too, from being worried and attached and fearful and stressed out to being full of love but detached and reaching sort of zen state took me years.The nature of our job and conditions made movement an inevitable part of our lives.

For me if I reflect even further back, I was never in same stable environment ever in my life like most of the normal people.I was let alone from the age of 6months under the care of or rather mercy of many people and conditions. Though I was lone during most of my childhood, I found out ways to amuse and entertain myself and sort of learned the art of detachment in those formative years only.

I was blessed enough to roam around in a farm, climbing trees in search of edible fruits, or just imitating the Areca nut plant climbers  and trying to climb the tall trees with a feet support, or fishing using a tattered bamboo basket in the water canals of the farm,or just diving and swimming in the creek till I get exhausted.I was not afraid of falling down or getting hurt or being bitten by the snakes slithering around or anything for that matter as I had big fears to escape from and I needed these vagabond part to keep me from it.

I had realised well back then that, human beings are the worst animals walking on earth and they find it quite amusing to hunt down unarmed and unprotected weaklings, just because they have the power to do so and the victims are too innocent and naive and have no armour around them.thanks to those years , I really never trust anyone completely, though I pretend I do , but  I always watch out for myself and my loved ones.

In my later life these fears had moulded me unknowingly into a very watchful strict terrible and paranoid mother without me even realising that.Luckily I managed to realise and correct myself with time and learned to trust and let go though not completely.

I was so attached to each house we lived to such an extent that when its time to move out, I would go around from room to room reflecting and crying my heart out and change was always difficult for me.It took really long time to get over the old places and people and heal my mind .Slowly I realised the toll its is taking on my mental and physical health. All these additional stress built up over many years from childhood was not really doing anything good to me. Rather it had started attacking me from within in the form of autoimmune disorders.

Then one day I realised that I am the only person who can protect and save myself and I started trying new coping mechanisms, mine were always music ,yoga ,walking ,books,drawing etc and luckily  I never opted for anything destructive or abusive .. I always thank almighty for that.Otherwise given all what I’ve been through, I would have been a best fit candidate  for some drugs , alcohol or would have ended up in some mental asylum. 

I started practising detachment.Nothing matters for me now as I have realised that life goes on and the people and conditions around you keep changing ever. If we train our mind to sit still like someone sitting by a flowing river just observing the water flowing down. The water carries with it so many things, flowers floating, piece of logs, anything. One moment they are there and the next moment they are gone. But you are still sitting there just observing.You see everything but you are not moving with them.You manage the art of detachment.

you reach a certain point when you realise and accept that change is inevitable. If you struggle to cling on to something, its only going to hurt you and wont do you any good. Life is just like a journey in bus or train. People come in for a short while, they get up and walk out when their destination is reached.You can’t stop them. It’s meant to be that way. You meet people, get to know them, help them when required selflessly and let go when its time.

Never keep they owe me this because I did this attitude. Nobody owes you anything. You helped someone ??? Great that gave you happiness no need to keep a logbook and keep checking when are they going to pay you back. Just do what feels right for you, your karma at that moment and move on. Life becomes so simple and pain free that way.