Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Waiting for my D Day while dealing with my monsters

I am waiting for Thursday!!! Have I ever waited for any day with this much anxiety? May be yes, during the exam seasons in my childhood.. Oh yeah this is not different from any exams only difference being …this exam decides the quality of life Im going to have for the rest of my life. My doctor will try to find out whether my AI Disorder has attacked my third gland…Bingo!!!

 Last 10 days I felt like a guinea pig, undergoing tests after tests, umpteen number of needle pricks all over my hands, going in and out of scanning machines, perching on sofa trying to divert myself with rosary beads, trying to do guided online meditations, watching every stupid program on TV while not really watching it, somehow I’m trying to pick myself up for the D day.

 Autoimmune disorder!!!! Hashimotos!!! Addissons!!!! These were one of the many words which I had never dreamt would be a part of my lingo until a few months before. Now my major research is all about these, I’m trying to educate myself, equip myself to deal with my monsters , and desperately trying to gather my life again. Honestly, when I had to face the harsh fact, I was totally helpless and clueless as to what is happening to me, I could see my life just draining away from my cupped hands.

 As long as I can remember I have always had good health except for frequent and acute migrane ( well I thought it was just migrane all these years) I could easily carry my heavy groceries and walk, I could walk miles and miles , actually I enjoyed walking around, I could work incessantly catering to endless list of guests who used to drop in, I loved travelling ,I loved my daily workouts , yoga, I loved swimming, riding, physical activity was not alien to me.

 Slowly I could feel my energy decreasing, I just laughed it off with friends as just “feeling lazy” or just in my head and continued pushing myself. I was never feeling fresh even after a good nights sleep, started struggling to wake up in the mornings to send the kids to school. Still I kept pushing myself until one day I just collapsed and I realized no more pushing is going to kick start me and there’s something really wrong. And my fight for survival started there.

 I know I have to nurture my broken mind back to strength if I have to deal with it, and I know no one else is going to do that for me. This is my fight, this is my test and I have to come out with flying colours, come what may, not for anyone else, but for my own self. I try to stay away from people, as I don’t want to sound like a melodrama queen with never ending story of suffering, pain and being ill all the time. I mean, it is difficult for anyone to understand that these types of illnesses do exist in this world and there are people who deal with it daily though they appear normal from outside.. I can’t explain it anymore. Further, I don’t want to dump my garbage on others, let them be free and happy.

 Still I don’t understand why God has chosen me for this, what have I done to deserve a life like this??? I got my answer in the Gospel of John Chapter 9: Verses 1-3 which goes like this.
= As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been born blind. His disciples asked him, “teacher, whose sin caused him to be born blind? Was it his own or his parent’s sin?”
Jesus answered “His blindness has nothing to do with his sins or his parent’s sins. He is blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him” =
Yes I do believe...
But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak.” (Isaiah 40:31)

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Friends do make a difference

I haven’t penned down my musings for quite a long time. But today I have to. Today is my birthday.. Im 41. Throughout these 41 years, most of my birthdays were quite eventless and I don’t even remember many except for a few.. And my 41st birthday will always be close to my heart….and I have to jot down the events which made it special. The night before my birthday, I was relaxing after the boys went to bed, watching TV and suddenly …knock knock…???? Clueless and bit tensed I pressed the mute button and listened.. again knock knock… O my God who is this at this ungodly hour?? Slowly removed my chappal, tiptoed towards the door and there they were, beaming and giggling bunch of my friends shouting out happy birthday….and look!!! They got a cake in their hands… I was in a state of shock and awe.. my heart was overflowing with tides of emotions as they settled on the sofa and started chitchatting waiting for the magical strike of 12…I was lost in thoughts.. Years rolled back and Im in hostel….hush hush talks are going on among a group of bubbly teenagers planning a surprise birthday party , hand made cards are placed carefully alongwith balloons on the door of the birthday girl…What a joy was it to see the happiness on her face …Maggi noodles cooked in a milk tin cautiously held over an array of candles was the special dish. Each and every girl in the hostel would be cherishing this tiny bit of memory even after all these years. These lovely bunch of ladies are not less than a bunch of teenagers.. their hearty laughter drew me back to the present. I had been going through a roller coaster ride during past several months .. every single day was a struggle for me, getting out of bed was a tedious task. Though my body was growing weaker and weaker my soul refused to yield and decided to inch my way back fighting fiercely and these lovely bunch of girls did everything possible to support me in my fight. Sometimes a simple joke, a late night message, “how are you doing” message sometimes a pleasant visit….they did all these even though they were all busy in their own world. Watching them practicing their dance moves was a treat for my eyes and balm for my aching body..and those simple gestures mattered a lot for me. Throughout my life, I never had the habit of mingling too much with people. I always loved to remain in my cocoon, except for a few friends who were allowed to break in to that cocoon..and I made my cocoon harder whenever I was struggling but surprisingly,now I got friends who made it impossible to keep that cocoon any longer….I have transformed into a butterfly which no longer needs that cocoon. Friends truly are a blessing.. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up” (Ecclesiastes Ch.4, Verses 9-10)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Thought for the day ( Not my own.... But I like it so would like to share)

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words, for they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny.

If you do something that turns out wrong, you can almost always put it right, get over it, learn from it, or at least deny it.

But once you’ve missed out on something, its gone.

There will be the neighbour you never got to say the right words to, the band you never got to see live, the winning streak you never got to cheer, the brilliant retiring professor whose class you never took, the relative you never got close to. It’s a long list no matter what.
Try to keep it as short as possible

Friday, May 14, 2010

A life with (out) plans

Planning is an inevitable part of day to day life. Financial plans, budgets, analysis, project plans, the corporate systems cannot survive without plans, so are the professionals and even common men. But I don’t make plans, yeah surely I do plan as to what breakfast I will make tomorrow, what time I should get up and such minor things. Long term plans is a big no no. I am not sure whether it is a character trait to be proud of or ashamed of. But I am like that.

The reason I don’t believe in making plans is that I believe in the almighty planner, who sends his plans to me all of a sudden as surprise packages, at some point where I think my plans are quite clear ahead. Though very reluctant to pluck myself out when fitted into a pattern, I have never ignored that inner voice which coax me to deviate from the original plan. I do believe that what a person is , and where that person is in a particular moment is because the almighty has fool proof plans for that person. So many times when I was forced to make a decision, my future was totally blank in front of me, but as I force myself to fit into his plan, the paths start becoming visible to me slowly, may be as silhouettes in the beginning.

Take my wedding. I NEVR WANTED TO GET MARRIED. I HATED TO GET MARRIED. I was scared at the very thought of getting married. I have seen many of my dear and near suffering out of miserable wedlocks. I never ever wanted to enter one. But Finally I had to make up my mind to tie the knot. I just had 5 mts meeting with the man I was to get married, I knew only his first name, and I had only a week between engagement and wedding day. Every single day during that short period, I went to church in the morning, opened my heart before the lord, poured my fears in front of him. I told him “ I have a blank frame. Please help me to fit this man and his family beautifully into it. Please help me to accept what is there in store for me. Please help me to give my cent percent to decorate that frame and to keep it free of all blemishes.

On the morning of my wedding I was stiff, my body and mind were numb, I couldn’t feel a thing. I had no feelings , my body was just there. In the church, I couldn’t move my lips to say the prayer. But my soul was shouting out each prayer. Then finally it was time to tie the knot, and I felt as if trapped in an iceberg, all frozen. I couldn’t see the plans he had for me. I couldn’t understand, how he was preparing for me through all those years, the most precious gift in my life, my husband. I was unaware how this relation was going to reconstruct my outlook and perspective.

Again, when it was time to give up the job and position, earned through years of dedicated hard work and sacrifice, I was not at all willing to do so. I couldn’t close my eyes to those years of sufferings, extra working hours, the new department and pattern which I developed from scratch. I couldn’t think about giving my quiet corner seat for someone else, allowing strange hands to handle all those reports and files which were part of me, I couldn’t figure out how I will live away from the world of numbers and reports. But one fine moment, I knew I could no longer close my ears to that strong voice from within, I typed my resignation holding my breath and walked in to the cabin of my superior. At first, he thought, it was the usual trick of the employees to get a hike, and offered my more fortune. But when I made myself clear his reaction was “ You are not that type of lady who will sit quietly at home, I cannot believe this.”

I couldn’t believe it myself. Later I knew, that it was the perfect decision I made for my children. The only thing they needed from me was my time and presence which I couldn’t spare much before. Now I am here with my 24x7 just for them and I enjoy it. I know after a few years, there would be a time when my presence won’t be required anymore, and I will become a silly mom. But I know one more thing, there is one more plan, being prepared for me which will pop out when it is time.

Now I sit here rediscovering myself, reflecting , analyzing , learning and correcting and waiting to give my cent per cent for his next plan.

All that the lord has done is very good;
All that he commands is sooner or later done.
No one should ask why things are as they are;
These questions will be answered at the right time.
( Sirach 39: 16-17)

Everything made by the lord is good;
He meets every need at the proper time.
No one can claim that some things are worse than others;
For everything is good in its proper place.
( Sirach 39: 33-34)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Pangs and Pranks of Annakkutty - .....And the waiting is over

Annakkutty is a small girl, lonely, slender, dark complexioned, with long lustrous black hair, and a pair of lovely black curious eyes. This is my journey with Annakkutty holding her hands tightly ,along the old muddy paths of the village. This is an attempt to give company to that lonely girl, uproot her deep rooted pains, unfold her pranks and to assist her to forgive the ones who wronged her.

---And the waiting is Over--------

Annakkutty has butterflies in her stomach today. Her mother is coming tomorrow. Father has already left for the town to pick her from the airport.Annakkutty couldn’t sleep. Since when she had been waiting for this day.She knew that she too had a mother just like her cousins.How many times she had secretly watched both of her cousins sleeping by the side of their mother, hugging her tightly.How many times she wished her mother would come and save her from the cruel punishments of grandmother, most of the time, not for her mistake. “You are elder to both of them. So if they do something wrong, you will get punishment” was the justification. ‘ELDER???? Born before 6 months make you ELDER??? That too only for punishments??? She never could understand the logic, but however, there is no other way as she doesn’t have a mother to save her or to talk for her.

“They might reach only by evening” she heard someone telling grandma in the morning. “Okay, let me go to the field and have fun” off she went wandering around, watching the birds, whistling merrily and plucking some wild flowers, stopping for a while near the small pond watching the fishes moving around happily, all these time wondering how it will be like to be with her mother??? Nobody cares where she is , so there are no hindrances; wander as much as you want, Climb up the Champa Tree(Water Rose Apples) and keep eating all those sweet and sour pink fruits and skip all the meals, nobody notices. Well how can she forget to check for any ripe tamarinds under the big tamarind tree,…. no way, Oops its evening already.

She ran towards the home, slipped in very carefully, and there sits a fat and fair lady with her back towards Annakkutty. Her shining hair tied up in a neat knot and cladded in a colourful saree. Thump thump went Annakkutty’s heart. Slowly she tiptoed towards the lady, and at lightning speed touched her from behind and tried to runaway . But Mother turned quickly and locked her in a bear hug, her eyes pouring out. Why she is crying? Annakkutty wondered, and she felt like crying too. It was nice and cozy to be in the arms of her mother.This was what she wanted through all those lonely years.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Tribute to a special mother

Mothers day is here again. I even got a mothers day card specially made for me with the caption “ HAPPY MOTES DAY, I LOVE AMMA” . Beneath the caption, there stands a girl( coz she is wearing a frock) with both her arms stretched out and wearing a biiiig smile. Mothers day is for fathers too in my opinion, as there cannot be a mother without a father. So it’s a special day for the parents.

If any child happens to say at any point in his/her life, that I want to live a life just like the one my parents lived, that is the greatest achievement of those parents. And I have such a couple in my life. Of course they are now sitting together in a photo frame in our sitting room smiling at us and for sure are watching over us from the world of angels. They are my in laws. And the precious gift they left for me in this world, their son, always tells me only one thing. “I just wish and pray that we would be able to live a life as that of my parents”.

I have never seen my FIL and have spent only a handful of days with my MIL. But I have heard and for that matter seen during those handful of days, how passionately they loved each other. I have seen her eyes shining brightly, whenever she talked about her dear husband, who went ahead of her to the world of angels, leaving 12 children of various ages , behind.

Her life was thereafter dedicated to her children. They all got settled in their lives in various parts of the country. Her only condition was that all of them should join together every year at the family house on the death anniversary of their father, which the children religiously followed all these years. Now that she joined her husband in the same grave, there is one more day for family union.

She was the invisible thread which knitted together all the members into a strong bond. Every other week if anyone fails to call her, I have heard her asking the grandchildren, connect me to B.. it’s a long time since I heard from him or “ Mmm think J.. is busy this weekend with any of his cases, otherwise not a single weekend would pass without him dropping in to see me and have lunch with me. Call and see how K,s children are doing… thus goes the long list. Every one was special for her. She was not highly educated, but she new very well how to carry herself gracefully among any group. She always wore the traditional dress of Christian women (Chatta Mundu) but always encouraged her girls and DIL’s to wear modern dress. She had a very generous heart to help any needy ones around. She was bubbly to giggle and share jokes with her grandchildren. She would even understand the language of her cows.

More over, I have before my eyes, a very vivid and colourful picture painted by the words of their son ,of the successful life they lived as loving and caring parents for each child ,at the same time loving each other deeply and passionately. Their success as parents is evident form this very same photo which I mentioned above , adorning all the 12 happy homes of their children in prominent places. They lived a fruitful life , leaving behind 12 siblings who are always there for one another, on any stormy day in the life of any of them.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Cockroach Party

“It seems the cockroaches are having a party tonight. The whole extended family (courtesy to the new EVS chapter he has on family) is there, from great grandpa to tiny little ones “ “ Yeah chettan there are soooo many. Let’s show this to amma”. Both of them barged into the room where I was and started pulling my hands. “come come, see what’s going on” They wouldn’t stop till I agreed to follow them.

Right, there ARE quite umpteen numbers of those brown insects, hustling to hide somewhere disapproving the sudden beam of bright light. There stands my boy giving commentary about each one of them and he is no more afraid of them .yes… that’s the point which makes me happy.

His phobia for cockroaches started with the visit of an unscrupulous guest of mine. He happened to visit the town with his wife and three months old baby and asked if we could accommodate them for a few days. Fine but see, I have a 2yrs old toddler, who is quite active and I don’t know whether you would be able to fit in quietly with him all around. Nooo problem, its just a few days. Alright then.

Later it turned out that this man was quite phobic about the security of the baby, that although the wife was a nurse, they were frightened to give the baby a proper bath to the point that the cute little baby started stinking, until one day my boy’s nanny stepped in offering to give the baby a bath.

One day it so happened that my then toddler boy, would barge in and out of their room to peek at the baby every now and then. He would not touch or trouble the baby, but just he wanted to see him quite a lot.

Suddenly, there was a sudden shriek and the little one came out like a bullet shivering like a fragile leaf. WHAT HAPPENED???
The man had a plan to keep this boy out of his room. He picked up a large cockroach by its antenna and suddenly shoved it into his face as he entered the room.

************* It took so many years of dedicated hard work for me to purge this fear out of his mind. Each time he sees a cockroach, he would scream, I would pacify him, later slowly I started to pick up one of those and show him how harmless an insect that is, and how strong he was that he could even squish them if he wanted to.

Slowly he understood there is nothing to fear about them. Many of us tell the stories of monsters to the kids to make them eat or to stop them from doing something, not really understanding the damage we are causing, though unintentionally. Their mind is like molten wax which takes up the prints of whatever affects them very quickly, and it stays there, sometimes causing irreparable damages.

*********All of us are trying to be faithful parents.
We strive to have faith in our own instincts and our abilities to care for the most precious people in our lives.
We hold on to the faith that our children will have their own abilities to overcome the mistakes we make and the obstacles they will face in life.
We attempt to be faithful to what we know is right, to the truths we hold dear and want to pass on to our children. ****************