Friday, May 14, 2010

A life with (out) plans

Planning is an inevitable part of day to day life. Financial plans, budgets, analysis, project plans, the corporate systems cannot survive without plans, so are the professionals and even common men. But I don’t make plans, yeah surely I do plan as to what breakfast I will make tomorrow, what time I should get up and such minor things. Long term plans is a big no no. I am not sure whether it is a character trait to be proud of or ashamed of. But I am like that.

The reason I don’t believe in making plans is that I believe in the almighty planner, who sends his plans to me all of a sudden as surprise packages, at some point where I think my plans are quite clear ahead. Though very reluctant to pluck myself out when fitted into a pattern, I have never ignored that inner voice which coax me to deviate from the original plan. I do believe that what a person is , and where that person is in a particular moment is because the almighty has fool proof plans for that person. So many times when I was forced to make a decision, my future was totally blank in front of me, but as I force myself to fit into his plan, the paths start becoming visible to me slowly, may be as silhouettes in the beginning.

Take my wedding. I NEVR WANTED TO GET MARRIED. I HATED TO GET MARRIED. I was scared at the very thought of getting married. I have seen many of my dear and near suffering out of miserable wedlocks. I never ever wanted to enter one. But Finally I had to make up my mind to tie the knot. I just had 5 mts meeting with the man I was to get married, I knew only his first name, and I had only a week between engagement and wedding day. Every single day during that short period, I went to church in the morning, opened my heart before the lord, poured my fears in front of him. I told him “ I have a blank frame. Please help me to fit this man and his family beautifully into it. Please help me to accept what is there in store for me. Please help me to give my cent percent to decorate that frame and to keep it free of all blemishes.

On the morning of my wedding I was stiff, my body and mind were numb, I couldn’t feel a thing. I had no feelings , my body was just there. In the church, I couldn’t move my lips to say the prayer. But my soul was shouting out each prayer. Then finally it was time to tie the knot, and I felt as if trapped in an iceberg, all frozen. I couldn’t see the plans he had for me. I couldn’t understand, how he was preparing for me through all those years, the most precious gift in my life, my husband. I was unaware how this relation was going to reconstruct my outlook and perspective.

Again, when it was time to give up the job and position, earned through years of dedicated hard work and sacrifice, I was not at all willing to do so. I couldn’t close my eyes to those years of sufferings, extra working hours, the new department and pattern which I developed from scratch. I couldn’t think about giving my quiet corner seat for someone else, allowing strange hands to handle all those reports and files which were part of me, I couldn’t figure out how I will live away from the world of numbers and reports. But one fine moment, I knew I could no longer close my ears to that strong voice from within, I typed my resignation holding my breath and walked in to the cabin of my superior. At first, he thought, it was the usual trick of the employees to get a hike, and offered my more fortune. But when I made myself clear his reaction was “ You are not that type of lady who will sit quietly at home, I cannot believe this.”

I couldn’t believe it myself. Later I knew, that it was the perfect decision I made for my children. The only thing they needed from me was my time and presence which I couldn’t spare much before. Now I am here with my 24x7 just for them and I enjoy it. I know after a few years, there would be a time when my presence won’t be required anymore, and I will become a silly mom. But I know one more thing, there is one more plan, being prepared for me which will pop out when it is time.

Now I sit here rediscovering myself, reflecting , analyzing , learning and correcting and waiting to give my cent per cent for his next plan.

All that the lord has done is very good;
All that he commands is sooner or later done.
No one should ask why things are as they are;
These questions will be answered at the right time.
( Sirach 39: 16-17)

Everything made by the lord is good;
He meets every need at the proper time.
No one can claim that some things are worse than others;
For everything is good in its proper place.
( Sirach 39: 33-34)

1 comment:

  1. good post, eventhough i couldnt digest giving up job!anyway write more, share your thoughts!why dont you remove word veri?and if you can start your mal blog also.